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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 4, 2013 7:00pm-7:30pm PDT

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[eagle caw] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. folks, you ask any political reporter out there there's no bigger night in politics then the day after the runoff election
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in a special election for south carolina's 1st district, and "the colbert report" can now project that some other network will tell us the winner. jim? [laughter] >> this is a fox news alert. well, he's back. after a sex scandal derailed his political career four years ago, tonight, south carolina governor mark sanford winning the gop nomination for a u.s. house seat. >> stephen: yes, former south carolina governor and appalachian hiker with extremely poor sense of direction, mark sanford, has secured the republican nomination. [laughter] what a stunning comeback. after being unfaithful to his wife and betraying the public trust, he gets a second chance in politics -- only in america. and italy. [laughter] bunga! bunga, mark. bunga! bunga! [laughter] and if that's not enough to make this off-year election the political story of the millenium, just listen to who his opponent is. >> he'll face elizabeth colbert bush. >> she is the sister of tv
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personality stephen colbert. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: yes, my sister is running for congress against mark sanford. [cheers and applause] woo! woo! [cheers and applause] i hope she puts me on the poster committee. i've got some posterboard, markers -- [sniffs] that's the stuff -- glue and glue right on there. a little bit of glitter right there. got that right there. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] and there you go. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] originally, i wasn't going to talk about this race on my nightly broadcast. i gotta watch where i aim this thing. [laughter] but then i watched today's
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coffee joe morning and the funky bunch. [laughter] jim? >> we will speak with mark sanford coming up in a few minutes and be sending an invitation out to elizabeth colbert bush. >> she has her own show. >> it's going to be "morning joe" versus "colbert report." [audience reacts] >> stephen: oh, it is on. [laughter] "morning joe" versus "the colbert report." did i want this fight? no, but this morning-- >> they drew first blood, not me. [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] >> stephen: of course, in some ways, it's always been "morning joe" versus "the colbert report." though, technically at that time of the morning, my network runs a p-80x commercial. >> p-90 x uses the advanced science of muscle confusion.
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>> stephen: yes, it's all about the muscle confusion. [laughter] whereas joe's show is just about confusion in that sometimes people confuse it with news. [laughter] but not this morning, 'cuz this morning was just pure infomercial for his old buddy, mark sanford. >> i've been a good friend of mark's for a very long time. i know mark -- bright, bright guy and he worked on wall street and knows the issues better than anybody. courses, courses should be taught in the future on the way mark sanford ran his campaign. some people have got it. you can see why a guy like that gets elected. let's pretend mark is not here and talk about him. >> what i heard was that he worked really hard, he was good to his employees. >> mark, if we can let's talk about the value of honesty in political campaigns. i think a lot of people, no matter where they are in the ideological spectrum were struck by your honesty a few years ago
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when basically you said, you know, you went walking on the appalachian trail, but you fell in love, so you're out of public office. so when you make the decision to re-enter the fray, was there any fear of that honesty coming back and playing a perilous role in your political future? >> stephen: oh, that is in in-depth reporting. you know, woodward and bernstein may have had deep throat, but mike barnacle is doing something similar to mark sanford. [laughter] [cheers and applause] i hope mike can breathe through his nose 'cuz he's right. he's right. [ laughter ] when sanford finally resurfaced, the first thing that everyone thought was "man, that guy is being so honest about how much he lied." [laughter] and i'm sure he would have been just as honest if no one had
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caught him. [laughter] well, it's my turn, jojo. i'm going to shock some people right now and endorse my sister, elizabeth colbert busch for congress. [cheers and applause] yes, yes, yes, she's a democrat. but she's a business woman, a job. creator, who when raising three children on $14,000 a year, went back to school, built a 20-year career in international trade, and is now leading mark sanford in two consecutive polls. [cheers and applause] are we going to do this, nation? [cheers and applause] yeah! yeah! [cheers and applause] and i'll tell you, mark sanford should thank you you joe
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scarborough because i would not have done that if you had not inspired me. folks -- i tell you this gun control debate is getting out of hand. liberals are letting their emotions get the best of them. we need to take a step back. okay, like this but with feet. [laughter] keep this debate based on logic and reason. one person taking many steps back is texas republican and proud owner of the "petticoat junction" dvd box set, louie gohmert. listen to his clear explanation as to why you can't limit large capacity magazines. >> well, once you make it ten, then why would you draw the line at ten? and the problem is once you draw that limit, it's kind of like
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marriage, when you say it's not a man and a woman anymore, then why not have three men and one woman, or four women and one man, or why not somebody has a love for an animal? [laughter] >> stephen: a sound argument -- in that he made a sound. [laughter] louie is right. people love him. and he's right: once you start putting bullets limits on magazine size, where does it stop? nine, eleven? then some other stuff he said, blah blah blah orgy in the barn. [laughter] now, everybody knows i'm a hunter. if i don't have a 30 round clip to shoot these animals, what will stop me from having sex with them? [laughter] it's basic logic: if a = b, and b= c, then sooner or later, you're banging a bee, see? [laughter]
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i don't mind admitting this past season, i was out hunting whitetail deer with the boys. suddenly, this long-legged doe comes prancing into my sights with those big, brown eyes, those sinewy haunches, that come-hither flick of an upturned tail, and i thought, "gun to its head?" you bet. [laughter] especially if that gun doesn't have bullets. because one way or another, that doe is getting mounted. [laughter] but this isn't just about the now well-established fact that gun control causes bestiality. [laughter] as louie gohmert's logical argument has proven, any liberal policy eventually leads to sex with animals. [laughter] it's a little game i call "six degrees of humping bacon." [laughter]
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just take the liberals' favorite cause: climate change. you put a cap on carbon emissions, that's like putting a condom on a smoke stack. [laughter] and what were condoms originally made of? sheep intestine. the next thing you know, you're saying "hey, let's cut out the middle man" and hello dolly! or take raising taxes on the rich people. okay? those poor rich people will have less disposable income. that means less donations to things like museums, parks and zoos. those zoo animals aren't properly guarded and they escape into the city, where to get by, they have to turn tricks and suddenly you're doing the no-no with a bonobo. [cheers and applause] that's what i'm talking about. point is, haven't we spent enough on roads?éxéx
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back. thanks so much young nation, you know i get you, with your vine-ing and your vampire diaries and your lincoln logs. [laughter] and it's important that i get you because you're an important demographic. the last election proved that if they're ever gonna win again, the gop needs to capture the youth vote. fear not, republicans are on it.
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just this week, they offered youngsters the one thing they simply can't resist: a survey! [laughter] you hear that, kids? it's like the s.a.t., but for fun, dawg! [laughter] and you know they're not messing around with this survey, because it's hosted by, america's most trusted simian data-collection service. [laughter] now, this survey is precisely targeted at youths only, because it clearly states: "please do 'not' take this survey if you are 30 years of age or older." all right then. here i go. [laughter] and let me tell you: some of the questions on this bad boy are totes mad poppin' fresh. [laughter]
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such as numero thirty-sixo, which addresses young voters' love of diversity. asking, "do you think that the republican party discriminates against people? if so, which people?" [laughter] with options including african americans, white people, latinos, asians, gays and lesbians. or: the republican party does not discriminate against anyone" that's easy the answer is the g.o.p. does not discriminate against anyone. least of all white people, who are the only option the survey refers to as people. [laughter] [cheers and applause] makes it easy. but my personal favo-rave is question thirty-eight: "what is your sexual orientation?" "straight, gay, bisexual or in the closet"?
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[laughter] yes, in the closet. because if you're a young person struggling with your sexuality, there's no safer place to come out than on a republican survey. [laughter] [cheers and applause] don't worry, these conservatives will never judge you. except for these conservative judges. [laughter] and i for one am glad to see the gop being so inclusive. who among us hasn't had a friend or family member come out as "in the closet"? [laughter] of course, if you're in "the closet", you shouldn't click "in the closet", because then you'll be "out of the closet" which means, if you didn't check that box message received.
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point is, the gop is on your side closeted nation! you can be proud and out about being ashamed and in! [laughter] just get out there and let the world know, we're here, we're in denial, dale is my roommate! [laughter] [cheers and applause] so if you're under 30, i urge you to join the gop's youth movement and take this rad survey at the extreeeeeme-ly memorable web address: remember, that "y" stands for yolo, which is probably something in spanish. [laughter] i don't know. we haven't reached out to latinos yet. [laughter] we'll be right back. [cheepplaus applaus[cheers and ]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an author whose new book praising humanism. talk about pandering. please welcome, a.c. grayling! [cheers and applause] boom! professor grayling good to see you again. nice to have you back. >> nice be back. >> stephen: you are a professor of philosophy, master of new college of the humanities london. you have written several books including "the good book the humanist bible."
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you were here for that last tight. you have a new book called "the god argument the case against religion and for humanism." what sp humanism? is that like veganism? because i don't go down with can balls because i am delicious. what is that? >> it's an attitude about how we live a moral life. it's about where you start. >> stephen: it's religion. >> no, no. >> stephen: how you live the moral life. we have the laws from god, obey them. end of story. there's an older and richer view which stems from the greek philosophers who say, we human beings are responsible for thinking about our -- not a set of laws or a code. we have to take responsibility for ourselves not about how we're going to live a good life but how to relate well to other people. it's really what humanism is all
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about. >> stephen: but how can you live good and flourishing lives if you did not have objective standards of morality. now with the ten commandments i would be sacrificing you right now. seriously tempted. that's where we get the god. even the humanism sin formed by the earliest laws given to us by god. it's a long story. >> stephen: i have all the time in the world, buddy. [ laughter ] >> the point about the objectivity it's an important point this one. it arises from the fact that we're social creatures, human beings. we need one another. we need relationships. we need to love people and be loved by them in return. we need friendships and cooperate with people. this is a constraint on just what you can do with other people. >> stephen: how do we make our moral decisions our decision as to what is best for us society? is it the greatest good for
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everybody? that's one view, the iew till tairn view. it all starts from an interesting question that sew crates asked his fellow -- >> stephen: that guy was a pervert. he was put to death for corrupting youth of athens. >> yes. >> stephen: it must have been pretty messed up because the greeks are down with all that. that's your hero george aahead. just want to know what moral ground you are on. go ahead. >> his crime was asking people to think for themselves not to accept wisdom or handed down wisdom. he asked people what kind of people should we be? what kind of society should we construct so each one of us can live a life worth living. >> stephen: based on reason and logic. you have guys doing stuff on reason and logic. guys who rejected god, lennon, stalin and mao. they racked up body counts way
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bigger than any religion in the century. that's your idea of how to be governed? >> i'm afraid not. >> stephen: they rejected god and embraces reason. >> but they didn't run their countries because they rejected god. they ran their countries because they thought as others have done in the past that they had the one great truth, the one right way to live and everybody must accept it. >> stephen: isn't that your argument that ac is right and god is wrong cox god be -- could god be? is it possible there's a god? >> i don't think so. >> stephen: sour right. >> i'm trying to be right. >> stephen: you could be wrong? >> i could be wrong. >> stephen: so there could be a god? there. >> could be many gods. >> stephen: let's take one or now. i don't want to be greedy. you admit you could be wrong. we'll take paschal's argument. if you are wrong you go to hell.
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if you are right you go nowhere where you die. >> if if there's a hell it's going to be full of interesting people. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: it's hard to talk with a pitch fork in your mouth though. [laughter] do you think relig john a net positive or a negative? do you think it does more harm or more good? >> much more harm. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: so if it does more harm than good, isn't it logical as a society that we decide to outlaw religion. >> i don't think so. >> stephen: why not, it does harm? >> it does harm. >> stephen: is it logical to get rid of it? >> alcohol does harm but we had a bad time outlawing that. >> stephen: do you think there's a bootleg god out there? >> there always will be. >> stephen: if it does get outlawed please hide me.
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ac grayling, the god argument.
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: good night, everybody. [cheers and applause]